So it turns out that unicorn meat is a more contentious issue than I had first imagined. Some people were appalled that I would ever suggest we each such delicate and beautiful creatures while others seemed to brim with excitement over the culinary opportuntities – even offering such advice as, “The horn is the best part. You have to let the marrow stew for awhile to get those magical juices.”
It also turns out that the three options of stew, steak and stir fry (trying to stick with alliteration here) are not enough to make people happy. Every person who answered also provided an explanation and often a counter-example of a better choice for cooking unicorn meat.
* * *
I start out asking the butcher at Albertson’s, “What’s the best way to cook a unicorn?”
“Those aren’t real. They’re mythical creatures,” he responds flatly, as if I’ve asked a perfectly rational but misinformed question.
“Suppose unicorns were real then. What would be the best way to cook them: stew, stir fry or steak?”
“You can’t do that. According to mythology, you’ll lose your soul.”
“That’s just a myth. Besides, I think I’m okay if I wasn’t the one who killed it, right?”
“Okay, then here’s what you have to do. Unless it’s domesticated, and I don’t think many unicorns are, you have to tenderize the meat. For a unicorn, I would recommend some red wine. Maybe a meat tenderizer. Then you have to . . . ”
He stops in mid-sentence and turns red. A lady behind me is glaring at him. We’re both busted. However, at least I have my first answer.
* * *
Javi the Hippie explains his answer to Christy, “I’d like my unicorn raw in a California roll with saki and soy sauce.”
“As long as you drain the blood well first, I suppose that would be fine,” she answers.
“Of course. What do you think I am, a savage?” Javi answers.
“Well raw unicorn turned out very bad for Lord Voldemort. Not that you’re anything like him. Just looking out for you,” she says.
“I’m not a fictional character. I’m a real boy.”
* * *
I gather a few more answers. I want to keep the number to ten, so that it can be nice and even. So, with a total of nine, I gather enough courage to ask the butcher at Sprouts.
“What’s the best way to cook a unicorn?”
“Like the pretend animal with the deal on it’s head?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“Well, I want to have an epic Memorial Day and what could possibly be more epic than a unicorn?” I tell him my options and then he explains why a nice stew would work best.